Man That You Fear
by Snow's Return
Summary: Ten times Sirius Black did everything to make Hermione turn her back on who she was by breaking her boundaries. Ten times, times a thousand, he made the woman he claimed to love: a victim. Yet she will do anything to help him, she knows he is repeating the cycle of abuse done to him. (Title based on "Man that You fear" - Marilyn Manson)
1. Prologue

Rating: Rated M for language and triggering themes in upcoming chapters including mention of rape and abortion and physical violence. This is written to highlight the reality of abusive relationships and that anyone, even someone as smart as Hermione, can fall in love with her abuser and rationalize away the abuse.

Pairing: Sirius/Hermione.

Summary: In ten different ways, Sirius Black had wrecked Hermione's life.

* * *

She should've known she was too good for him.

Why then was she determined to do everything to try to save him?

From the moment he walked into her life, Sirius Black had caused nothing but trouble.

Well, that wasn't _strictly_ true. He also made her laugh and she sometimes thought she was never happier than when they were riding together on his motorcycle. It felt like they were one.

And when she was under the spell of the handsome wizard, tucked naked in bed beside him while he did all sorts of things to amuse and drive her wild...well at those times, she felt like the luckiest girl alive.

But she couldn't deny one thing anymore: Sirius Black was a bastard.

And in some ways he had ruined her life.

This is Hermione Granger's honest reflection of how Sirius Black had just done about everything to wreck her innocence in every way possible. And she didn't even blame him. Sirius Black was broken. He came from a broken home, an abusive home, and then a traumatized adulthood that was even more horrible.

Every injury he had suffered was something that had unintentionally made its way back to her and the ones he claimed to love the most.

Every action taken against him was something he had repeated against her.

~o~


	2. Stolen Kiss

First Offense

~o~

In the beginning, she didn't know how cruel he could be.

In the beginning, every woman walks blindfolded towards the man she expects to love.

Love is blind. Love is _trust._

No woman, on purpose, thinks she's going to end up _abused. _Even the word itself seems like an affront, an insult to her intelligence and autonomy.

Abused. Not Hermione Granger. The two didn't even compute.

Oh, there were signs and signals and they butted heads occasionally, but she was too infatuated to dwell on that anymore. Even the way she had overreacted to his stance on house-elves back in fifth year now seemed just that: an overreaction and infantile cry for his attention. Of course, Sirius Black was wrong about elves but then he had just been raised wrong, by supremacists. He needed correction, not condemnation. And she gave him plenty of that lately: empathy. An ear. Someone he could trust to listen to him.

She was surprised that Sirius even warmed to her. He had seemed to find her a nuisance before.

Now that she was older, he didn't seem to mind her presence anymore and they no longer fought about Kreacher or house-elves or his reckless behavior.

In fact, sometimes she thought he almost enjoyed her company too much and that they were becoming too close for Harry's comfort. But then every time she over at Grimmauld's Place and Sirius stole glances at her, she wrote it off as her own fanciful wishing. Sirius was probably just lost in his own thoughts, in his own anguish. It couldn't be anguish to be with her.

The idea that Sirius Black might even be interested in her was too flattering for her to acknowledge or put her normal defenses up. Normally resilient, brave and bright, lately she became a pile of mush if Sirius so much as smirked in her direction or made a joke for her.

But later much later, she realizes she should've seen it coming.

There were red flags all over how they became a couple.

Even their first kiss was stolen.

Of course, she would never have made the first move. Even though she had been in love with the older wizard for years, she did not expect for him to one day reciprocate.

She was totally unprepared for how it felt to be at the centre of Sirius's intense affection and gaze. It intimated her, she didn't know how to handle it. It was more than she had ever got from Ron or another boy her age.

Yet what Sirius Black wanted, he usually got.

And he was a full blooded, temperamental man.

Many years had passed since he was the most popular boy at Hogwarts but time did not seem to make less blunt his confidence or his sense of entitlement towards women.

Hermione should've been offended. She should've fought him off.

But then this had probably all been carefully orchestrated by him.

She was just a few days shy of turning legal, at 17, when Sirius followed her into the library at Grimmauld Place, pushed her against a bookshelf and kissed her on the lips.

"Do you like me Hermione?"

Too shocked to say anything, she had kissed him back in reply.

He tasted delicious and she was so in love with him. She loved his grey eyes and long black hair. His beautiful smile and his mischievous humor could turn her wet.

At the time, it seemed like a dream come true to finally kiss the man she had crushed on for years from afar. He seemed otherworldly and too good to be true.

In retrospect, she saw it now as the start of her downfall.

.

You couldn't fall in love with a broken man without being breaking yourself.

Later, she would blame herself.

~o~


	3. Stolen Firsts

The first time.

~o~

The first time.

How can you put into words something so delicate? Something so special. Something that's supposed to be a defining moment into adulthood. Something special to share between the person you loved and trusted...Something she couldn't even half remember anymore. How did the last bit even happen?

Looking back, she wonders how she could be so smart and yet so blind.

Sirius taking _this_ the way he did, having his way with her, should've been the last straw. The straw that broke the camel's back.

Instead it was her first step before she fell right into his abyss. A deep, deep black abyss, almost as black as his name and his hair and as beautifully horrifying as his life and grey tragic eyes.

The first time with Sirius was everything it should _not_ be.

Despite wanting this moment to be with him, of that she was absolutely sure. She did not expect him to take it so sneakily.

She had made him wait many months when finally she returned to Grimmauld Place for Christmas and the first night she was there, he gave her a separate, ornate room on the upper level of the house. It was a beautiful room but being tired from the train ride, she told she just wanted to go to sleep and they'd spend time together tomorrow. She kissed him goodnight and he made her smile.

In the early morning, while she was still half asleep and before the sun had come up, she felt Sirius sneak into her room and into her bed.

She was not scared.

She loved him. She absolutely loved him.

She was in love with him and prepared to give him anything.

But suddenly it occurred to her as he slipped her panties off and ran his mouth along her thighs, she had still been half awake when he started to touch her.

She was awake now and fully consenting. She loved him. She loved his touch.

...but why had he done that? Why hadn't he waited one more night?

She didn't have time to think as his lips gruffly met hers and the feeling of his beard and his thing below scraping against her, awakened something raw and new inside her.

It was paradise.

Paradise. Absolute paradise.

...but a stolen paradise. He had snuck in.

The same way he had snuck into her heart and into her very soul.

Yet why couldn't she remember the exact moment she woke up fully or the exact moment he first went into her. Was it both or neither?

Where had Sirius learned this behavior?

Many months later, she wondered now if Sirius had been abused this same way.

Was he fully awake?

Who was it?

Was she fully awake?

Who was she becoming?

She couldn't remember. She just couldn't remember clearly who she was before Sirius came into her life.

Everything was: Sirius Sirius Sirius on her brain.

She just knows, from that moment Sirius opened the gates for her, she couldn't get enough of him. She couldn't keep her hands or body off him. He got her addicted to him so quick and deeply.

.

Wait

There was one thing she remembered.

She could remember this.

She remembered she was awake enough to ask him to use his fingers first before penetrating her to lessen the pain.

She wanted to avoid the pain he was about to put her through.

The one thing she remembers clearly was that she was shaking with excitement as he slowly touched her with her fingers, preparing her for his final penetration with his member.

It was less painful.

But did that make it right?

.

The abyss was deep and that was the only the beginning of her fall.

Sirius Black took her innocence and made her into his willing lover.

But there was much, much more he would do to forever change her.

.

.

A/N: Another chapter coming up, what did you think? Is Hermione far in too deep? Did Sirius cross a boundary? She was of age in this chapter, I made it so he waited til she turned of age, but did the way he did it make it seem like he had been abused himself in the past? What do you think may have happened to Sirius when he was a young man?


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